Originally Posted May 18, 2006 on Loopingthehen.com

Shhhh….secrets ahead…

Dad, Tom, potential employers and anyone else with a weak stomach, please be warned you should probably skip this post. Ribald humor ahead thanks to the literary Lady MacBethany.

So silly me mentioned on Monday that he might have a secret or two to share with Tammy (On Friday when I saw her again). Of course, I did not realize that this would bring forth two dark women dressed in bishop’s robes claiming to be part of the New Episcopalian Inquisition.

I told TL that I would always answer any question she put to me, so she has been working diligently to ask me a veritible cornucopia of off-beat questions that might be the answer to the elusive secret I keep so well. I think I have answered at least 70 questions in the last 48 hours ranging from the relatively benign (Are you germaphobic?) to the unsure (Are you still obsessed with the little redhead?) to the farfetched (Which I won’t repeat because I really do want to work for the next 20 years, for those potential employers who might find their way here…I hope you think this is amusing and showing much creativity!)

Doing my best to answer all the questions completely honestly hasn’t been satisfying for the ‘Out, out, damn spot!’ crowd, and thus the MamaB Conspiracies are born. So far we have nearly two score of possible skeletons in my closet…you decide which you believe! (Big hat tip to MamaB, she had me in hysterics with some of these)

1. you have 6 months to live, and you need to plant your seed to continue your lineage.

2. the real reason you run is if you slow down, the implanted bomb in your brain will explode.

3. you have a partially absorbed conjoined twin that tells you to do evil things.

4. the wee folk on your shelf do the same.

5. you see dead people.

6. you make dead people.

7. you are the one true prophet, and need to assemble an arsenal, seven wives, and a compound in texas by uesday.

8. there is no big secret, this was just an exercise to keep bethany busy because lord knows she gets a kick out of it and has nothing better to do God bless her.

9. one of your parents was an alien, and not just the illegal kind, and now the government wants to cut you open, film it in a seedy, grainy quality and post it on the internet (so they can laugh at all the wackos).

10. your blog contains some kind of mind control mechanism that makes hot chicks want to have sex with you, only the hot chicks are actually chickens, and who are you not to oblige them?

11. you are only dating tammy to get in the coffee loop.

12. you are only dating tammy to get closer to tarpy.

13. you are a writer for 24 and you won’t tell us how it’s going to end, you bastard.

14. you secretly watch lost, and are dying to share your opinions on the hatch and giddily discuss the last time sawyer had his shirt off.

15. lorin is your maiden name.

16. you downloaded instructions on how to make your own penis enlargerwith things you have around the house, and something went horribly awry (and you need a new vacuum cleaner).

17. you really are a certified bikini inspector.

18. you only like the creamy centers of oreos, and have a closet full of just the chocolate cookies.

19. you only like the chocolate cookies, and use the creamy filling to make sculptures of unicorns that you sell on ebay.

20. you don’t like oreos at all, do you, you picky little freak?

21. tiny, whom you met while doing time at sing-sing for a crime you didn’t commit, is getting out on monday, and he wants his b**** back.

22. you put the bang in the bang-sha-bang-sha-bang.

23. you put the “oooo” in petunia.

24. you won the lottery, but are ashamed to admit the pot was only up to 27 dollars.

25. the guy in the picture on your fridge isn’t just a runner, he’s the clone in a compound in tempe, arizona you paid millions for in case your ticker gives out. you call him justin case.

26. you are plagued by multiple personalities that include liberaci, alf, and a member of a mexican mariachi band (who all tell you to do evil and slightly gay things).

27. there’s a part of your body that grows when you lie, but you aren’t telling. (because that’s not lying.)

28. before your current employment, you spent a large part of your day saying “b****, where’s my money!”

29. you are dying to get off your chest the reason you are no longer allowed to set foot in an episcopalian church (and also a particular mexican supermarket in east bumf*** texas).

30. you have tapped into my dirty little secret– it’s fun to mess with tammy’s head.

31. you really are the juggernaut, b****
32. you found jesus– he was behind the couch the whole time! (okay, that one’s not mine, but still funny, nonetheless.)

33. you have a gun, and will travel.

34. your OCD forces you to do the macarena (twice, once backwards) before entering or leaving the room.

35. you enjoy public displays of….yourself; particularly while on public transportation, or over by the convent….